MEET JULIE FOWLER

When my husband and I were married about a year, I joined a new Bible study on Philippians. Much of what we discussed related to the issue of suffering—actually joy in suffering. We studied God’s goodness and sovereignty. I remember the study leader saying that our life is a series of storms. Either we’re in a storm or about to be in one. 

Up to that time, my life had been relatively easy. I’d had a personal relationship with Christ since I was a child and had learned much from God’s Word over the years but hadn’t been in a significant trial up to that point. I wondered what my storm would be and when it would hit. 

Soon after the study ended, Scott and I decided we were “ready” to start trying to have a family. I’d always dreamed of being a mom, and I was excited that my closest friends wanted to start growing their families, too. I got on vitamins, read a book about how to time everything, and went about it as I had everything else in my life—figure out how to get it done and go for it! 

I got pregnant but then miscarried at eight weeks. A few months later, I conceived again but lost that baby, too. Each time, I’d been reading and pondering each week of the baby’s development, thinking about names I would give. and focusing on eating just right—all of which seemed to deepen the loss. But we stayed hopeful and prayed to have a successful pregnancy the next time. 

We waited and waited for the next time to arrive. Weeks of waiting turned into months, and months turned into several months. Fertility drugs weren’t helping. Friends whom I’d been pregnant with the first time were having one-year birthday parties and trying to conceive a second child. I often rode the emotional roller coaster of hoping I’d be pregnant and then finding out I wasn’t. I felt like life was passing me by, and everyone was moving on while I was stuck in this holding pattern, just waiting.  

I had questions about how prayer worked or if it mattered if I prayed. Wasn’t God going to do what He was going to do anyway? I had thought I understood prayer in the past. Still, I couldn’t understand why God wasn’t answering my prayers, so I started digging into the Bible for answers. 

I also struggled with my purpose since “my plan” wasn’t working. God then made Philippians 1:21–22 leap off the pages of my Bible. In those verses, Paul says, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to go on living, that will be fruitful labor for me.” Since I was living, God expected me to be fruitful. God must have also sent country singer Leanne Womack a similar message, because I heard her sing on the radio at this same time, “If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance!”  I realized I’d been sitting out, so to speak, rather than dancing, being in the game, and being fruitful. So, I had a conversation with God that went something like this, “I know You are in control of all things, and your Word says you have plans for me. If you wanted me to be pregnant right now, I would be. Since I’m not, what do you want me to do?” I took this month by month, asking God to help me dance and how I should be investing my time without children. Through prayer and Bible study, one of the things God laid on my heart was to start a support group and Bible study for infertility/miscarriage, and that was how this ministry started.

Maybe others were wrestling with the same questions I had. Perhaps we could encourage each other to “dance” and live purposefully rather than wasting many months or years.

Even after we started the ministry, called "Shiloh" at the time, I still had hard days and weeks—nights when I cried, “I can’t do this anymore!” Mornings when I asked, “How long will I have to go through this? Will I ever get to have a baby?” The hardest thing for me was not knowing if I’d ever get to be a mom. But each hard time was followed by a new sense of God’s comfort or a new focus on what God called me to do. Throughout this journey, I’d gotten serious about memorizing Bible verses that focused on God’s goodness and sovereignty and how He wanted me to deal with others.

He’d bring those Scriptures to my mind to confront my emotions and comfort me with truth. When I started feeling sorry for myself, in my mind, I would often hear God’s voice saying, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). Or when I started comparing my story to others, God brought to mind, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?” (Job 38:4). 

Those verses reminded me that God knows better than I do, and is always up to something good, even when I can’t see it. 

In addition to encouraging me with Scripture, God also gave me comfort from friends who would write sweet notes or listen to my feelings. Some of my closest friends during that time continued to be those in my community group, but then God had also given me a new set of friends through Shiloh. Even though many of the women in the first Shiloh groups had babies shortly after the study ended, those were women who, year after year, ministered to me, and some of them are still my close friends.  

My husband let me cry and always listened. He also encouraged and led me by reminding me to “struggle well.” I realized I had to apply what I learned in the Philippians study years ago. This was my current storm. Did I believe God was in control and that God is good? Would I trust Him? 

After the two miscarriages and then two years of infertility, Scott and I finally got a positive pregnancy test. We were excited—but guarded, and so relieved to finally have the sonogram where we saw a heartbeat! We were then so confused when we went back to our doctor a week later and found out the baby had died. So much waiting, so much hope started again, and then, another loss.   

I didn’t understand all the whys of what was happening, but God continued to encourage us that He was working. For example, the same week I was miscarrying this third time, one child at our backyard Bible club trusted Christ as his Savior. I was thankful to experience tangible gifts or “fruit” amid the grief and waiting. 

We continued to consult with doctors about why we kept losing babies. We tried surgery and medications, as well as trying “on our own” (without the help of doctors). Still, we had another year without a pregnancy.  We felt frustrated and hurt when one doctor told us, “Keep trying. One is bound to stick.” These were losses of lives that were significant to us. This same clinic later told us to bring the semen specimen to them in a baby food jar! I, of course, didn’t have baby food jars at my house!

When waiting for an appointment with a new specialist, we learned about a birthmother planning on placing her baby for adoption. We wanted to follow God’s redirecting us at any point, so we scrambled to create a scrapbook, got reference letters, and delicately composed letters to the birth mother. She chose us but then changed her mind a few weeks later. 

After a few months, we heard of another birthmother delivering in two weeks. She selected us, so we borrowed the necessities. We called many of our close friends and told them we’d probably be parents soon, packed our bag for the call from the hospital and waited. 

Then, the birth mother changed her mind and decided not to place the baby with us. We returned all the borrowed things to our friends and wished we hadn’t called all those people telling them the exciting news only to have to go back and tell them it didn’t work out. Because it had happened in such a short time, God had protected our hearts. And while we were confused, we still knew He would somehow use all of this for His plans.

We went to the new doctor to pursue treatment. After weeks of appointments and medication, we found out we were expecting identical twins! We continued to get encouraging sonograms until week 14, when the doctor noticed that one of the babies had less amniotic fluid than the other. The babies were soon diagnosed with twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, a potentially fatal condition for the babies where one baby gets too much blood and nutrients and the other, not enough.

This was an extremely emotional time, and one of the Scriptures we clung to was Psalm 139:16, “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me are written in your book before one of them came to be.”

When I had a difficulty focusing on God’s Word and felt fear building, I asked for help. I often asked my husband to remind me of truth or called friends to pray with me. I went on partial bed rest, but at 20 ½ weeks, I had a placental abruption that ultimately sent me into labor a week later.  

I had to deliver the babies at 21½ weeks, which was 1½ weeks shy of potential viability. We named the girls Annie Grace and Kate Morgan and got to hold them, talk to them, pray with them, and read Scripture to them in the four hours they lived. We got their footprints and took pictures with them in the sweet little pink gowns the hospital gave us.  

The weeks and months that followed were tough. The feelings of grief would sometimes just hit me out of nowhere like a tidal wave. Three of the other four girls in our church small group were pregnant with babies due the same time ours were going to be. Those friends were expecting their third babies, so I was constantly challenged to focus on what God wanted to do with me, not them.

Our community group truly had to live by Romans 12:15, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”  I requested they keep asking me how I was doing with my grief because it would be a process, and to ask me if I was journaling and focusing on the truth of Scripture. They, along with my husband and friends, supported me, and God continued to comfort me with His Word. God assured me that none of this would be wasted. 

God also gave us moments of humor in unexpected places, like when we were driving home from our twins’ funeral and got right behind a dump truck that dropped a dirty diaper every few yards before us—all the way into our neighborhood. My husband and I laughed together and thought God was very clever to give us this humorous scene to lighten our hearts on such a heavy day. 

Six months after our daughters were delivered prematurely, we went back to the specialist to try again while asking God to let us know if this wasn’t the right time. Then, a friend called, asking if we’d be interested in adopting a baby who would be born in the next three to five days. After discussing it and praying, my husband and I both felt led to pursue this adoption, surrendering the outcome again to the Lord. 

As I prepared to welcome a new baby in five or fewer days, I found myself guarded again and somewhat just “going through the motions” to protect my heart. We’d been so close to being parents so many, many times. I asked the saleslady in the children’s boutique about her return policy and then broke down crying. It seemed unrealistic to believe I would need this “coming home” outfit after five years of seemingly false starts. 

We told a few close friends and family but didn’t spread the word as before. But this time, we should have told everyone, because two days later, we walked into the hospital nursery, and the nurses greeted us with “Come meet your baby!”  Forty-eight hours later, the birth mother signed the adoption papers, and we brought our precious son home to a joyful celebration with family and friends. We could hardly believe it was all happening. We were parents! 

In the years since then, God continued to grow our family along a circuitous route, with many twists and turns, including more miscarriages, failed treatments, the amazing adoption of our second child—a precious daughter, and then a successful pregnancy that brought us the gift of our third child, another sweet girl. This was my seventh pregnancy—the only one we got to carry to term. 

I have wrestled and sometimes still wrestle with God over His plans vs. mine. He didn’t wait until we had it all figured out or our act together before He gave us the gift of being parents. The Bible says, “Children are a gift.” And gifts are not earned. We were still "in process" when we brought our son home. Even today, we must continually return to God’s Word and lean on friends to resist the temptation to focus on our circumstances or fear the future. 

The verses and passages of Scripture in this study gave me confidence that even though I was not in control, my life was NOT out of control. HE was always in control and was always loving me. This study is about God seeing and God caring and asking us to trust Him and join Him in the story He is writing. 

I now consider it a great privilege to share the study with more couples and to support churches and lay leaders who want to offer groups. I desire to give both women and men a Biblical toolbox for handling emotions, decisions, and relationships and offer lasting hope. In John 5:17, Christ says He and God are always working, and Psalm 138:8 says, “The Lord WILL accomplish what concerns [us].” What great news that is!